Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I will do whatever it takes to keep America safe from terrorism.

i hate terrorists unlike some people in this country and i will do whatever it takes to find them.

But when you go up to a brown guy with a berd and a towel and say are you a terrorist he is gonna say "no way"

So you have to interrigate them which is when you chain them up to the wall and shock their nuts, you would be surprised how many of them brown guys change their mind after a good nut shocking...

now there are some guys in gitmo we been interrigatin for three years now, and the cowerds still wont admit being a terrorist.

they hate us because we are so good and so free. but we will not give up before we have shocked every nut in the mideast and found every last damn terrorist. or my name is not Dear Leader.

bye for now

Monday, May 30, 2005

I will destroy America's enemies.

I will never hesistate to take bold and decisive action to keep America safe and secure. And the course I have chosen in my great Leadership as commander is to destroy all of America's enemies.

We have destroyed Iraq. Now Saddam can't blow up the twin towers with his weapons of mass destruction anymore.

and we destroyed afganistan

And soon we will destroy seria, Iran, and n Korea.

and relations with Russia have been gettin tense, when i was over there i said russia needs more democrasy and Pootypoot mentioned the supreme court putting me in office in 2000, it is real real aggrivatin when i hear that

turkey is mad at us too.

And china is doin something bad with the currency, i don't remember what. but they need a lesson.

Spain pulled out of Iraq.

and our worst enemy france left us hangin on iraq, they tried to stop the invasion, imagine if they got there way

canada won't let us put missile defense up there

italy is talking about pullin out of iraq, ukraine already did pull out...

cuba they are commies there

england is tryin to fire tony blair, i like him

amnesty internatnal wants me arrested

and a bunch more, too

and as soon as i have destroyed america's enemies we will be safe. no one is as bold and courragus as me. i will be remembered as the greatest presidnet ever.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

I can't think of one mistake I have made as President.

i bet you make mistakes all the time. and then you say hey im only human what do you expect.

Well I have never made a mistake as president, not one. See, i believe God chose me to be president and he speaks through me. So if you say i made a mistake it is like saying god made a mistake. And this is blasfemy and treason at the same time. So shut up god does not like to be mocked and he will inflict you.


Sunday, May 22, 2005

I believe God created everything.

it is sunday again so my thought is about god.

Everything is caused by God. But most of the stuff God causes makes him mad. So he makes other stuff happen to fix the stuff that makes him mad. And that is why he made me president.

Now when i say god I mean the Hebrew war god Yahweh. Those moslems, they are real religious too but they believe in the wrong damn god, they believe in Allah. They should worship Yahweh like I do, then God would not be so mad at them.

Now we worship Jesus too, Jesus is the son of Yahweh, and he is god too. Except we only have one god. I dont understand it i just believe it. And you better belive it too or you will wind up like the muslims.

bye for now

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I am coming to your town to promote my agenda.

Hi you know i am going all around this great country talking to people about my agenda. And I am coming to your town. But when I do i want you to have people ready for me to talk to. I do not just talk to anyone i am the president. I only talk to certain people.

So when i come to your town you better have these people ready for me to talk to them:

  • 24-year-old mother of a disabled child who works 3 jobs and wants to have her SS benefits cut 40%.
  • 64-year-old man who wants to cuts his grandchildren's benefits.
  • 26-year-old black man with family who wants to buy worthless ious with his SS tax dollers and get his benefits cut too.
  • A 18-year-old male non-faggit who wants to die for freedom in iraq.
  • a brown muslim person who dosnt mind bein torched to death for freedom.
  • A 39-year-old faggit who wants to stay single.
  • a ten year old who is tired of all the politics and wants strong one party rule for america.
  • A Walmart worker who sees how importnt it is to cut taxes on those making over 300k.
  • A Christian family who knows I am appointed by god to lead america and thinks we are winning in iraq.
  • a Spanic cathoilc small business man who wants to ban abortion and loves the death penilty.
  • a verterin who loves freedom and is not mad about iraq and his benefit cuts. black is ok here too, but not too many black people. And except for that one faggot no faggots and no democrats or libruls, and they all have to think i am the best president of all time.

So get those people together in your town and get ready for my visit. By for now

Friday, May 20, 2005

It is real hard work being president.

It sure is real hard work bein the president, i am working harder than i ever did when i was in the oil biz or being governer of Texas. Here is a sample of my busy day:

7:00 wake up
8:15 wake up again, drink breakfast
9:50 wake up again, morning exercise
11:00 read sports page
12:30 boring meetings and stuff
2:00 afternoon recreation
4:30 phone calls from scared forrin leaders
6:00 video game time
7:30 get ready to write daily thought (whisky)
8:45 wake up again, write daily thought
9:00 bed

so you can see why i need all my vacations... and if someone brings me something to read when i am on vacation it is just not going to get read dammit i am on vacation... like that pdb about bin laden, my staff should know it aint gonna get red until i resume my busy work schedule.

Bye for now,

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I sure am mad about the Newsweek article.

I sure am mad about the newsweek story... about gitmo...

when andy came into tell me about it i almost dropped my drink... i said i hope the gitmo guys used that koran real well before they flushed it and andy said sir you dont understand the moslems are going ape shit over this... shit they are more religious than we are how do you figure that...

You better just print what we tell you... right now we are telling you to print that we never did stick a koran in the toilet and you better print it if you know what is good for you... we don't like you magazines recking america's good name.

my twin daughter jenna told me a joke about the koran... what is the same between the koran and the starship enterprise... they both fly around yer anus to wipe out the kling ons... i do not get the joke.. but if i do not bear a man-child I am going to leave the presidency to Jenna... she can hold her licker like her old man.

Bye for now, and be real nice to the next koran you see bye

Monday, May 16, 2005

Condi made a secret visit to Iraq.

Bein the president i get to have some real smart people working for me, one of them is condi rice. I like condi, she reads to me, and she is one of the real real smart people who told me i had to invade iraq as soon as i got the chance after i seezed power.

Anyway Condi was just over in iraq to check out all the progress we are making over there, it was a secret visit.

you know we really like making secret visits to iraq like i did with that turkee.

because with the secret visits we are showing the terrorrists we can slip in and out of iraq without getting blowen up or head cut off which will destroy their morale and they will crumble and join the new elected goverment.

That is the new plan now that plus making everything the iraqis fault, because they did not fix their country fast enough after we liberatd it. they have to take responsibility we cant be expected to maintain security and reconstruct the country just because we invaded it, anyway that was a long time ago.

so just remember none of this is my fault bye for now

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I was chosen by God to lead America.

its sunday again and time for another post about Me and Baby Jesus.

if you are reading this well then you already know Almitey God has chosen Me for america's leader and that God speaks through me.

Well here is some real exciting news, im not supposed to talk about this yet, but there is this thing we are working on called the convergince... where the Republican party, the government and the church of Jesus will all combine into one big institution.

And then I will be president and vice-god, and america will be the most blessed country on earth, and we will spread the gospel unto all nations like it says in the bible, and baby jesus will be real happy.

Bye for now and say your prayers tonight.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

We are experiencing real good progress in Iraq.

I will be remembered in history for many things but i think the biggest thing is for the liberatin of Iraq.

Iraq used to have a cruel dictator who killed his own people and had torture rooms. And now look at it.

now they iraqis are free to choose their own leaders remember the purple fingers. And the anti iraq forces are getting real desperate, they are fightin to the death. but i will not set a time table for withdrawl because we have to get the iraqi forces ready and they are getting real good.

And if you are wondering from last week, i don't do the coke anymore, they make me pee in a cup three times a week. And i said I am president do i have to do this, and they said its because i am a federal employee, all federal employees get tested three times a week.

Friday, May 13, 2005

I did not jag off a horse.

I want to clear something up right now. That thing about me jagging off a horse was a joke. I have never jagged off a horse, I don't like horses.

Now this one time when I was pledging DKE, all the brothers stood in a circle around a cracker, and they jagged off on it and I had to eat it. and when I ate it all the brothers laffed their heads off and said you have what it takes to be president of the frat. And i said how about president of the united states and they laffed even harder, one guy actually threw up laughing.

bye for now

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Social Security must be reformed for our seniors.

I sure am glad to be back to america so i can continue this conversation i am having on Social security.

And the fact is the program is bankrupt in 2042. You see if we do nothing by then there will have to be a benefit cut by 20 or 30 persent. So my plan is to cut benefits by 20 or 30 persent. Can't you see it's the only way people.

And we have all these worthless ious in the trust fund, 2 trillion dollars of worthless treasury securities in a file cabinet. Well in my plan you can use your tax money to buy your own treasury securities. Just don't put them in a file cabinet, i think it is the file cabinet that is the problem, use a box.

And I just want to make clear I am ready to accept your unconditional surrender to this proposal. Because one thing i think you need to understand is this is going to happen and i mean this year. And the quicker you get used to the idea the quicker we can move onto other real important things.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I do not condone torture.

I have been havin a real nice trip liberating the people of Europe, but I keep getting these Europe reporters asking me questions, and they arent real good reporters becauase they keep asking me about torture.

and I have already said i do not condone it so why do they keep asking.

abu grape was some bad apples who up and decided to start abusing them, we took care of that and it is no problem now.

And the prisoners at gitmo are all terrorists. my lawyer Al Gonzalez told me i have the authority to authorize anything you can think of, so I authorized my government to do whatever they feel like to keep america safe. al said you can rip out a guys fingernails and drownd him and it is not torture. So whatever, it is nice and legal.

and sometimes we send prisoners to egypt and syria and stuff but they promise that they wont be tortured. So it is OK, if they get tortured there anyway than they are liars and that is not my fault, they promised.

anyway i cant wait to get back to america where they dont ask questions so hard. bye for now

Monday, May 09, 2005

I had a nice visit with the president of Russia.

While I'm on my Liberatin Europe trip I stopped by Moscow and had a nice visit with the Russia president Putin, I call him Pootypoot.

And since it was all about my Democracy Project, I told him they gotta have more democracy in russia, they need more democracy.

And pootypoot smiled and looked at some guys and said something in Russian and they all laughed.

And i said Russia has to help us fight Al Kayda and saddam. And they did it again.

And I said whats the joke pootypoot and he said its a russian saying its too hard to translate.

So anyway America is a better country that his country. And mabye they are due for a liberatin Dear Leader style... like roosevelt should have done after ww2. bye for now from russia

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sunday is the Lord's Day.

This being Sunday my thought for the day is about God and baby Jesus.

I remember when Baby Jesus came into my heart... it was right before my 40th birthday and I had been on a bender for a couple weeks... they say I'm not supposed to talk about it but before Baby Jesus came into my heart i was drunk just about all the time... and i did enough coke to run the Winter olympics on...

Anyway Baby Jesus came into my heart and the next thing I knew he was calling me to be president of his country America. To call me to lead the world into his Kingdom on earth.

And I know I am a powerful force for Baby Jesus on earth... they tell me when i won the re-election about 200 million people jumped up and yelled "jesus christ"... i have that effect on people, they fear god when they see Me.

And if you are wondering i do sometimes have a drink now and then, usually right before i post my daily thought because it is real hard typing when i have the shakes real bad.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

I have liberated the oppressed peoples of Europe.

You know I like being flown all around the world liberatin people and talking about freedom.

Well yesterday was a special treat because i was flown to Europe and i liberated their peoples. they flew me to latevaria and I got up on the podium and I said i am here to liberate you and give you democracy. and they said Latveria is already a democracy and i said shit that was fast.

Now there is one thing I have learned about freedom and democracy which is that when a country gets it a bunch of bombs start exploding all over the place. And i sure hope their arent too many bombs going off in lattevia. But if there are well the price of freedom is washed in the blood of innocents. And the survivers will live to thank Me for their liberation.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I will keep America safe and free.

I think our troops are doing a real good job keeping america safe and free in Iraq. But that does not stop some prancin frenchies from trying to make a partisan issue out of iraq.

Like I just got this letter from some congressmen wanting to know about the meeting i had with the top spy of england. And i remember that meeing real well and it was all about keeping america safe.

this was in the summer of 2002 we were getting ready to take saddam out. And I had that meeting with the top England spy and I said do youhave a licence to kill and we all laughed. and then I said I have a license to kill saddam and they all stopped laughing. and i said this is going to happen so all you english better put down your tea cups and pick up your guns because you are goin in with me. no matter what we are taking saddam out is what i said.

and the english guys asked what about the aftermath of the invasino and i said there's going to be no casualties and we will be greeting with flowers, and the whole thing will be over in six weeks so dont worry about it.

and the english spy guy said whats the legal basis and i laughed and said i don't know i better call my lawyers and then i threw him out.

and that is all there is to it.

Because I will never hesitate to take bold decisive action to keep america free and safe. We have never been freer or safer than we are righ tnow. and the whole world hates us because we are so good and so free that is why we need loyal allies like england.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I had a nice talk with the President of Italy.

I been traveling all around this great country talking to Americans about social security and stuff, but sometimes as President i have to talk to foreign leaders. Which is what i did the other day with the Italian president, Silvio.

and what he wanted to talk about was that Italian lady who got shot in iraq. And I said she didnt even die, and that shows you how we are making real good progress over there.

so we had this investigation, and we found out they shot her while they wre making America free and safe. but then the italians wanted this other investigation. And he said the report of the investigation is coming out and he made sure theres nothing in there that would harm relations with the US and he said he was real loyal to Me.

The Italians, they're scared of us, see, they don't want to make us mad. And that is what my strong and determined leadership is doing to make America free from Italian invasion. We have to keep everybody scared to attack us, see? That way we'll be safe for our children. and I will keep America safe.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I will not be deterred in my reform of Social Security.

we are entering a new phase of the discussion on Social Scurity...

the first phase has been called off so forget about the first phase we are on a new phase now, startovers...

and this phase is called the Dear Leader Forgives You phase. because I do forgive you for not agreeing with me right away.

Now I know a lot of people were worried that I might not forgive them for opposing my Will.... and i am here to tell you that those who join with me in a bipartisan basis to reform social security accoring to my plan, which i will get to later. all others will pay a Horrible Political prize.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

social security is in a crisis

i been spending a lot of time talking to folks about social security... being the president I get to learn lots of things and what I have learned about social security is it is bankrupt people...

I went to go look at the trust fund in west virginia.... they said there was over a trillion dollars in there, almost two trillon... and i said is this place like a baseball stadium full of money and they said no... and they showed me this here filing cabinet, theres a picture of it.

You see those pieces of paper? The ones that say 'full faith and credit' on 'em?

Well, we ain't gonna pay 'em. We just ain't gonna.

You see the trust fund lent the goverment the trilion dollars, and you see we done spent the money you lent to us, and now we don't have it to give it back to you, see? So we ain't gonna pay 'em.

so we have to do something to save social security... Now what my plan is... it's a proposal not a plan... is you can keep your tax money so you can invest it in nice save Treasury bonds... backed by the full faith and credit of the government... and i am th leader of the government so you know it is a good bet


Hi there... you know i've been goin all around the country talking to people... talking about the decisions i have to make as President

and the people I talk to agree with my decisions which is good for america... and so now I want to use the internets to talk to those who believe in Me... and tell them about social security and stuff...

i like to get at least one real good thougt every day, and this is where you can read my daily thought on the internets.